Trapped and Shackled [An Unsent Letter]

[Drafted last April 2011 and finalized just now hehe! antagal i-organize ang thoughts, crap naman! hahaha! tae! Forgive my being emotionally nude at times… Funny, 7 months na sana sa araw na ‘to! hoping? nah, just remembered it! :D]

And it came to a point when finally, after the many eclipses and spinning-out-of-orbit moments that we’ve been through, you suddenly found the courage to ask me to be your girl. For a moment, I forgot the many times that my heart got broken. I forgot the many times that you left me hanging. I didn’t want to entertain negative thoughts that time that I allowed myself to be consumed by the kilig feeling brought about by your confession.

So, I gave in to my doubts and fears, not wanting to deprive myself of the chance that maybe, well just maybe, it would be different this time… that maybe this is the beginning of that happily-ever-after that I was patiently waiting for; or maybe this could be my reward for keeping faith in uncertainty.

And so I had you (or so I thought)… I had you for a week… Honestly (and I don’t know why I felt that way), getting through a week of being in a relationship with you was kind of a struggle! I hate to entertain the thought that you weren’t exerting enough effort to make the relationship work, but I can’t help it. Forgive my underrating of you. Perhaps what we were experiencing was something totally unfamiliar to both of us, and we both didn’t know how to keep the relationship working… Well still, I ignored my fears and did what I think I should be doing to make everything work…

But then suddenly and unexpectedly, I found myself in the same situation that we’ve always been into: after the happy-and-kilig moments came the dreading-wagmo’kongkausapindahilhindikitapapansinin thing. That was frustrating. Really. I didn’t expect that to happen [again], not at that time of the year when work-related matters started pressuring me. I tried reaching out, but it seemed like reaching out worsened the situation. I didn’t get it! I didn’t understand what went wrong, but I know somewhere along my (or our) struggles, was that very thing that led to this (traumatic…traumatic daw oh! hehe!) experience. I asked you a lot of times and wanted to know what happened, but you remained silent.

I hate it. I hate it more because I know you know how much I hate it when I’m not being responded to when I really want to know about something. And still you remained silent. So I hate it. But ironically, I felt sorry for myself for feeling so guilty for something that I don’t even understand why I should be sorry about. Perhaps I was too forward-looking, that when suddenly and unexpectedly you weren’t returning my calls and messages, it immediately caused my spiraling down into the blackhole, into reality. I want to curse you, to confront you, to hurt you, but I felt too lazy to entertain negative vibes. So I focused on my work while suppressing my negative feelings—suppressing it until now.

Maybe that was God’s plan of making me realize that you’re not really the so-called “the one”… Perhaps, I was just too stubborn to accept that some things aren’t meant to be; and getting my heart broken for the nth time is my punishment for being so stubborn… But you know what hurts ‘til now? It’s realizing that you never really cared to let me slip away just like that… and, the worst part of it, I can’t seem to get that thought off my head because the realization is recurring.

I wish letting go would be as easy as holding on… and I wish I could easily blot out the pain it caused me and just go on with my life without having to get haunted by it every time I get the chance to think things over… I don’t want to sound so bitter and mad; I hate this feeling of being trapped in a bad memory ‘cause no matter how hard I try to convince myself that everything’s okay, I still feel so tortured within… Please, I just need answers to the many questions that never fail to bother me, every now and then… I still feel trapped. And I can’t still seem to move on, ‘cause I feel shackled.

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